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By the time the doctor finally called me in and said 'Would you like to tell me what's bothering you', I was tempted to reply: 'It's the magazines, doctor - they are making me sick to the stomach.' Bauer, the publishers of Closer, are cock-a-hoop about their magazine, insisting it has created a unique and market-leading position within the British celebrity market.It reckons their readers 'get stuck in', enjoy their lives and don't take themselves too seriously.I could not believe that a magazine could deem this appropriate reading material.

Unfortunately (though not for sales) it was only partly covered, so the offending coverline read: 'I was fxxxxd!

' It was an own goal for the morality police, and the staff at Cosmo cracked open a bottle of champagne in celebration.

Celebrities catch a reader's eye, but coverlines sell the magazine Then cover number two with that coverline 'Lesbian Incest: My Sister and I Want A Baby'.

'Well, I mean, why wouldn't you want to have a baby if you were really in love with your sister,' someone in the group might comment, with more than a touch of irony - not quite believing she's getting paid to comment on this rubbish. But it's hardly what you want to read in a GP's waiting room.

Later that afternoon, I had a doctor's appointment.